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Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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enough... remember for this... Life is the big "un" it is unattainable, uncontrollable, unpredictable, un-describable, unexplainable, and we are all just caught up, somewhere, in it.
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Monday, October 25th, 2004
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Today I have awoken from a having the strangest dream... I'm sure now... I am so sure... And that's a good thing.
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Thursday, October 21st, 2004
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It's like I don't even remember when I was two seconds younger...
Truth be told... I could have planned it better, but theres something falueable that has grown out of thus state... it's like nobody is htere, you know? I know what I beleive and what is right, I remember looking at other people and knowing what discernment was, but what if everyone else was gone? a concept that tho' I grasped, I came far from understanding in retrospect with what I beleived... mmmm... Vanilla...
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Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
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Timing is everthing... We need to speak and write and tell of life and live and run at the right time and never stop wanting time for that is what binds us to life on earth... And in all the ringing bells when misunderstood words and wishes to flee from misinterperated circumstances fall apart and we are left with that of which we do not know, nor want to live with.... we will rise. We will become that of which God has set up his will to mold us into. We will be soldiers and humans, we will be immortal and have either all or no meaning. There is no grey to stand in when your dead, that is a chasm that we may not enter nor pass over nor through...
So when the music starts to play and the inspiration in your mind rings like fire singing through golden eyes of promise, maybe then you want a second chance... maybe then you'll, through your own egotistical means of earthly love curse lazarus and accept inevitablility and certainty...
The music will play, I assure you of that... When the sun comes out and when it sets, when we all rise and when we all fall, and we will do these things... as we fade into the darker chapters of our lives and waste the time and wisdom we stand on by measuring how far we've all fallen, it will take nothing less than blessed divine mercy to save us. because light is what makes you see what is bright and colorful and what is dull. it's always light... I can't call myself wise because I saw the light that made clear my dark depths, I can't call myself wise because I turned to God and gave him thanks for life in my dark moments, I can't because I didn't, it was the light that opened my swollen eyes to see what I didn't have like a disease, or lack of movement in my limbs. I can only lable the wisdom I have been blessed with by the sight I chose to beleive in when those beautiful wings brought me back.
I am not one man alone, but a soldier in the rain I am a lover of justice, I am a rich slob and a poor frawd... But we all have our sides and lists that go on forever.... how do we make them one? how do we become who we are? I find it's all about guidlines and what signs we follow... Don't spend your life worrying about exactly what kind of vehicle you drive is because it isn't those facts that will get you to the right places, it isn't those facts that will get you to where you belong.
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Monday, October 11th, 2004
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...
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Yes life is good for me... and yes life sucks for you... but without context, that's the stupidest thing that could be told.... call me a weak little baby but I've been so down and out that the sun was nothing but a mockery to me... I've had times where all that lived in me was memory and hatred... so don't think I scurry through my life getting nothing but continuous blessings... and you know what? I could sit hear and try and reason with your sanity or tell you your life doesn't suck... but compared to mine right now... it does. so take that how you want but I didn't start writing this to make you mad or sound cocky or ungreatful... I wrote this because as far as wells go in my soul... I was at the bottom. There was no hope for me, I had hatred and sorrow... as far as life goes I didn't want a part in mine and you should know that I can see myself in you... and all the sorrow you show and don't and how your breathing holds back tears... I know not only that you are in pain, but that you can't truely believe that I know how you feel... but I do... and if you can find it in that sorrow infested shell you call a mask to believe me when I say that... then maybe... just maybe... you'll believe me when I tell you that it will get worse... but when your done crying about that remember that I said this too... At the bottom of the well there is only one way to go... up... it will get better, and time will not heal old wounds but the mercy that you drowned in later in life when things are at there best, will heal all wounds... because God is doing nothing but good in you and he will win over all these unending miseries and flood you with grace... just try and be patient...
haha... I guess I kinda feel like I got so deep into a well of my own misery that I came out on the other side at the top again in a place I never even dreamed of and didn't know existed and now I'm living a life of blessings that I could never repay. Thank you God... Please let the sun come out now on my friends, Lord and if it could be without interfering with your will, I pray they may continue there path with these wisdoms they can be blessed with through release from missery... Amen...
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Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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mmmm... every sleeping second is starting to define me... like a broken mold re-built... taking aged wine and re-sealing it in a bottle for the pleasure of that first taste when it is opened... Grown in God's earthbound vineyard...
Life is good... Soooooo good...
And on the hill... I'm singing her a harmony... :)
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Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
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| Time: | 1:29 pm. |
| Mood: |  hopeful. |
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Water... all around me... It's just thoughts of water... I can and do think of nothing but a great blue ocean so deep and wonderful that it could swallow my fears and then the only change in my life goes from sea to sea. I can see the river in my dreams sooo deep and sooo endless capturing everything that makes me sad in it's dark shallow night and tall black stony days....
This has become my day, my wonder, my time.... my life...
and this my life is not but thoughts on going thoughts of amarillo seas...
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Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
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What a time fo year to see the world.... The trees and grass bring green and yellow under a lush blue sky on warm days... I need a frostie...
BLa bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla AHHHHHHHHHH
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Sunday, September 19th, 2004
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| Time: | 1:04 pm. |
| Mood: |  cold. |
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I've been meaning to keep it from this site but I dun wanna forget the date it happened... like it could... I was reading on the net about two weeks ago... it seems that I was wrong all along... a four line pattern in the conscience... psychologist studies... apparently it was my voice all along... nothing but what a "dream conscience" wanted to say... there only ever was a demon for a second once a long time ago... oh well...
It makes me mad how it never slows down... up and down front to back, sad to happy... and now It has to be over... It has to be... I dun want anything, I don feel anything, and I know 100% that I'm actually text book crazy... I'm less then second or third best in more books then I've ever read, and Nothing has quenched the thirst... nothing... maybe one day it'll look up... maybe one day I won't be bi-polar anymore...
Maybe today...
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Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
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yep... the movies never tell of how long the dreamless sit in the rain.......
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........... Do...... Do me a favour.....
The next time your a king or queen... at least take a moment to tip your hat t those dreamless dreamers sitting in the rain..... it's always raining somewhere...
"But you must know..."
I've had about enough of this pathetic Irony, it's innocence has worn off.... it's hard to laugh when my dingy is sinking and I'm choking on water in the middle of the ocean... even if someone else is watching the sunsets of my home!
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Thursday, September 9th, 2004
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None of the above... I think I'll sleep tonight... I think I'll sleep...
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I hugged a person from my dreams this afternoon... hugged them in my dreams and I have never felt better... this music makes me calm... None of the above by the weakerthans.... I feel like I can see everything that made me think and made me happy or mad but I don't think I know where it is anymore... I can't feel anyone or anything... I only feel tired and calm ... at peace I guess... The answers always sound the same.... I'm going to sleep well tonight... maybe things can be different... I'll have to say thanks to that person in my dreams...
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Monday, September 6th, 2004
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Nothing brings a song to my soul Like Linkin Park...
So let me sing...
I'm here I'm back once and again, and this time to quench a thirst I can't kill...
Call me out I says to em all... call me out and see what you all wanna pass of for non existent...
Times up And I'm done... Books are closed and so are ears.... hearts are closed and so is my mind... I'm following dreams, so I am. I'm following abstract dreams of names and powers today... call me crazy for just being crazy but I know something I'll preach till my death. No demon can scare you like love can. blame the music or blame the inorence, but no parent and no adult can talk of the torubles of youth being anything less then tragic. WE the youth are the people of tomorrow we are the oneswithout all the answers with the hearts that just awoken, we are the ones with the times and the friends and the struggles and the dire thists of questions and lust and desires to exhal our words to the world... we are the ones who live and die in times of reality, with our innocence being taken right from infront of us as our parents struggle with bills and we with school, we will work our weekends away and party through our bed time stories, we'll fall in and out of love like a carasel, and sit for our moments with headphones on looking at God with faces of the dead. So DON"T you tell em that I am a child with small problems because no clos death no great sex, no won lottery, no bombed country, no drug, no scare, and no fire is more painful then a combo of all the things that could hurt us, the youth, like what we got on the tips of our fingers. on these trays...
So I'll hide behind my music and fight the ghosts I'll never hurt, I'll rest my head upon my own tears and work out to become who you can all love, 'll dress myself up to be insulted for every day and bask in the worry of my oh' so' precious future till I can take it for granted, I'll say screw you to the athorities of now and sit when God shows me the seat and only then, cuz you aren't gonna slow me down. so lets all just say screw you to the pasts that built us dooms, and the foolishness we hought greatness. Cuz it's a new day today and it's time to pay up. as long as we don't fight and don't give in. because nomatter what he says, the music won't play then, and you'll be left in the rain, all alone.
So tell me you got it worse off then me, go ahead, I know what I know and not what you do, as I will never see your eyes nor you mine, we will walk such similar roads, and you'll take dreams and live them like your own, and you'll call deamons and die deathslike they were yours, and you'll cry lonely and live lives that were supossed to be full, I'll play someone elsess music, and I'll die when my time is up, but you'll be left in all your splendor basking in 90% and all the questions that were never answered, so kiss-kiss, and good night, no more time to wine, life will take it's place on a thread of metaphore and as ignorant as you wanna be this will be this... life will live us.
Call me a pesamistic looser, maybe a gloomy goth, maybe a winny kid. doesn't matter, cuz you remember how much it hurt? well take that a little further till you realize that the blood flowing in your hands is the perfet desraction from the pain within, it's a kinda thing that will keep you alive, and theyll all call me a suicidal depressed maniac, but no matter how many names you place and lives you watch slp away and dreams of beings with release we dream this world can not find order, that's why God will come and kick it inta us ll. cuz it's the only way.
No I aint gonna live a why even try life but I'll sleep my rests of unresteful dreams that creat wishes with in that creat reasons to cut cuz that stranger tho striving to escape needs a beggers wish of perfection. I'm gonna rest tonight cuz I says so, and you won't stop me, I'll rest a rest of the dead, God willing, and I'll forget I even heard you heart wine in the simple miss-interperated impluications of your pethetic words and what you left behind when you couldn't say screw off I've moved on, when you couldn't say no more time to try and make life perfect, same to you who listen to what you think you like because your not existent when your pleased with something else, good enough for the iggnorent I suppose, so call me a hiprocrite and throw me off that bridge I'd throw myself off if I wanted to be a wuss and kick oput cuz I can't choke a little. but don't even question how close the thread is to the blades of my souls sustaining love. we'll get together and brake up and never stop to realize what kind of danger there is to this all like some kinda game, we'll gamble and laugh for sufficient quenching of our desensitized souls at the movies of loosers of hosser of users who use there ladies, being killed just like your gonna be on your way home, but no to this kind of irony? well we'll see about that. My words all through drastic will never justify my acions because I see the innocence in life that sustains my sanity living your world, but when you make them soldiers of tomorrow and people of yesterday, I'll make them, and you all graves.
Where does time go? books....
I hate you I hate you, now time is quenched, I'm happy to shout it, cuz I do, oh! I do! My hatred grows to take you from myself. I hate you life. cuz you let me go down stream no signs attatched that I know weather to trust... how can I say God said something to me when I don't know which is my heart loving a thought or my mind loving a thought... how do I know to hear God when I can't even tell wich is my heart and which is my head,what do I do when in all this confussion I don't even know wich one to listen to???
I'm writing songs of happyness of understanding and of poetry... hahahaha.... my fingers flow like the heart that screams to escape me.., and in these last 4 minutes I don't even know what I've said but I know I nedde to excrete it all like the sickness I feel for the memories I can't escape of a deamon far worse than those of hell.... Good night world... until tommorrow... Stay strong for yourselves... and time will pass quicker...
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gum2bstepton's journal
angry.
indescribable.